Hurtful day

Wow, can you believe it has been 1 year of finding out the worst news anyone could possibly hear?? January 26th, 2009 was the worst day of my life. This is the day we found out Mom had cancer. It seems like it just happened yesterday. It has been a year from finding out the worst news that anyone could hear. I can still hear Mom's voice when she called me at work. She said, "Jana, I have cancer." Just hearing the sadness in her voice broke my heart. She told me to stay at work and not to come home. Of course I knew she needed me to be with her so I hurried to Toronto to give her a big hug and tell her everything would be ok. I am so proud of my mother. She fought for her life and never once complained about the fight she had ahead of her. Mom had faith and believed! Her word through her whole fight with cancer was BELIEVE. Through this last year I watched my mother fight for her life. She is the strongest person that I know. She never once gave up. She told us she wanted to be around for at least 1 more summer. Her wish came true! She was here!! When we found out Mom's results we didn't think we would have her long. She made it through 8 months!! We had 8 extra months with our Mother. Mom's best months were last Summer. Her and Dad connected more than what I have ever seen in my life. They would go to the Casino together, go for daily walks or just sit outside and enjoy each others company. Mom made Dad walk because of his heart attack. It's heartbreaking when you see your parents connect again and then not too long after she is taken away. When we talk about Mom in front of Dad, his eyes sparkle and you can still see the love that he still has for his best friend.

People may think I am crazy but I feel Mom with me everyday. She is still giving me signs! The other night I had a dream about Mom and woke up and it felt like she was right beside me. I felt her touching my face. I think that is my sign knowing she is ok! I felt that a few days after Mom passed. Another sign is I saw a Rainbow in Wal mart's parking lot. I have no idea how it was there. There wasn't any rain or sun. The parking lot was wet. I think Mom did it just for me! Then the other day I was driving home from Dad's house. Maraya was in her car seat just laughing away. I looked back at her and she was scrunched up like someone was tickling her. She couldn't stop laughing. I believe Mom was with us and playing with her! It's such an amazing feeling knowing that Mom is still right beside me everywhere I go! I am blessed to have these feelings!! Maybe I am having these signs because I told Mom while she was dying to give me signs. She always stuck to her words and she still is!! Everyday I miss Mom more and more. I still have the questions running through my head. Why did this happen to our family? Why my mother? What did she do to deserve this? Then I keep telling myself that there is a reason why God took her. He needed another wonderful Angel to watch over us!

Be thankful for what you have and live each day to your fullest. Any second your life can change for the worst. I never would have thought my family would ever go through what we just did. It made me open my eyes and love life more and more everyday.

I am thankful for my family and friends. I really don't think I would have made it through this year without any of you. Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this last year. I hope I am as good of friend as you all are to me!

I love and miss you Mom.

January Fun

I haven't wrote a blog in about a month so I'm going to post pictures of what has been going on in January!!! Breckin turned 4 this month. It seems like yesterday he was a little baby. We went to the Grand Harbor Water Park in Dubuque. Breckin LOVED the slides. We met Corey's brother and family and hung out for the day. Breckin went down the slides with his cousins Zac and Shelby. After going down the slides with them a few times he went down by himself. I had my camera ready to take pictures of him. I noticed him coming down head first, he somehow turned himself around while coming down the slide. I thought he was going to freak out and not want to go down again but he didn't! He had fun and loved it. This made me realize that my little boy isn't really little anymore!! Breckin got a Jump-o-lene for his birthday from Grandpa Butch. The kids love it. They spend most of their time in there!

Breckin got a big boy bed for his birthday! He used to like cuddling with his Mommy... I miss his nightly cuddles!

Corey, Raya and Breckin looking out at the Mississippi River in Dubuque.

Breckin's first ride down the slide with his cousin Zac.

Zac and Breckin

Breckin with Shelby

Maraya at the pool

Maraya testing out the water

Here is Breckin coming down head first while Uncle Schuyler hurried to grab him.

Raya playing in the Jump-o-lene

Raya posing

Daddy in the Jump-o-lene

And I made it in there too!

Just a Memory Away

Christmas 2009

This is the first year without Mom. It was one of the hardest days that I have had thus far since Mom's passing. Christmas was one of Mom's favorite holidays. She loved giving and seeing the excitement and joy everyone had at her house. Mom started shopping early and most of the presents we had at Christmas were from Mom. These gifts I will treasure forever. She bought Amy a Blessing's Isabel Bloom. She wanted to get both of us the same one but only had one bought. Patrice and Bobbi went in together and bought another Blessing's angel for me. What a thoughtful and nice thing they did. Tabitha bought me a Christmas ornament that I will cherish forever, too. I am so blessed to have such a caring and loving family. This Christmas I wanted to do something special for my family. Patrice helped me out on some of the ideas. I got all the boys a Mother/Son Willow Tree Angel and then Amy and Dad I got an Isabel Bloom. Amy's Isabel bloom is called "A friend like you" and Dad's is called, "Love One Another." And then I bought a frame that says " One of the best ways to have a little Heaven in your home. Is to have someone you Love in Heaven." I then wrote a letter to each one of the boys, Amy and Dad. I made the letter from Mom. I put in each letter something Mom had said to me about them. For example: Jeff, Mom always told me Jeff would make a wonderful husband someday. I wanted to give them something that they can keep forever. Even though Mom wasn't with us. It felt like she was with us. We had a lot of laughs and tears. We shared many memories we have of Mom. I'm sure she was laughing right a long with us.

Dancing together Christmas Eve night!

One of my favorites

Brother and Sister Kisses!Presents at Dad's house

Breckin just waking up and seeing Santa did come!

Chairs Amy found and put their names on!

Breckin and I! I love having a son. He is my baby boy!

Maraya and I on Christmas Eve. Breckin was our photographer.Dad and I Christmas Eve Night 09

One of the presents dad got. I love it!
Dad bought me a Friend Like you Isabel Bloom, too! Jason bought me the Willow Tree angel. It is the Guardian Angel "May you always have an Angel to watch over you."
Amy and Justin putting Mom's Tree up.

Our Christmas Tree to Mom. We put bulbs on with each one of our names.
We noticed Mom had a visitor. Deer prints were on Mom's grave!


This poem Amy handed out to everyone!

Just a Memory Away

I'm no longer by your side
But there's no need to weep;
I've left sweet recollections
I'm hoping you will keep.
Eternal joy and memories
Stay in our hearts forever.
Strengthening our special bond
That parting cannot sever.
Now it's time to journey on,
So let your faith be strong,
For I am in a better place...
I'm home where I belong.
And if times of loneliness
Bring sorrow and dismay,
Don't despair, for I am there...
Just a Memory Away!

Snow, Snow, Snow

Wow, look at all the snow!!!

I stayed home with the kids today since work closed for the day and The National Weather Service issued a winter weather advisory for blowing snow and dangerous wind chills for today and tonight. I didn't want to be driving in these conditions anyways! This year I don't have to take the kids with me 40 minutes to and from work. At least the kids will be safe this year!

The kids and I had a fun day. Breckin wanted to go and play outside It took about 20 minutes to get the snow clothes on. We made it outside for maybe 5 minutes. Breckin really enjoyed playing in the snow. Maraya didn't know what to think. She didn't like walking in the snow! It was cute seeing her out there for the first time.

The view from the side of our house.

This is where Maraya stayed most of the time!

Breckin having fun in his first snow drift of the year.

Save me Mommy!

I wanted a cute picture of the two kids together. This is what I got!!

Raya finally walked in the snow!

If it wasn't so cold we could have made a snowman!

Look at me!

Breckin having fun jumping in the snow.

View in front of our house!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is Mom's first birthday in Heaven. I hope she had the best birthday with her family and friends. We missed her dearly. Tonight, my family and I visited Mom's Grave. Dad wanted to buy Mom a grave blanket. I never knew what a grave blanket was until I googled it on the web. It is beautiful and brightens up Mom's grave. We also bought an angel stand to put a flower vase in. Each holiday, season or special occasion we can switch it out with new flowers! After visiting the grave we went to Dad's house and ate some chili!! We shared memories of Mom and watched my wedding video. Finally after almost 3 years of being married we finally got our wedding video formatted to watch. Mom is on the video quite a bit. She looked beautiful on my wedding day. Everyone often says the bride glows on her wedding day.... that day my mom was glowing!!! We had a great night at Dad's. I am so lucky to have such a close family as I do. We love and miss you Mom! I can't wait to see you in my dreams again!

The boys putting down the grave blanket.
It has 8 carnations and a big red ribbon on.

The kids and Justin visiting Mom!

The Croce Family

Angel and the grave blanket!

In the corner of this picture it's a little white and fuzzy. I wonder if that is Mom with us? Sounds crazy but I know she is with us at all times!

Thanksgiving weekend

Maraya having a laugh with Corey's Grandma Katherine

Corey, the kids and Corey's Grandma Katherine at Thanksgiving 2009

Raya helping her daddy hang her first bulb

Breckin decorating the tree

Today the kids and I helped Dad, Amy and Breylee pick out a Christmas tree. Mom and Dad always went the day after Thanksgiving to get the Christmas Tree. Dad wanted to go to the same place that Mom and Dad went last year. Dad found the perfect tree. Mom would have been proud of it! It was a journey getting the tree home but we made it!

Breckin hiding between the trees!

Dad asking which tree looks the best?

Breylee and Breckin in front of the tree Dad picked out!

Amy and Dad tying the tree down. We had to pull over two times to tie the tree tighter!

Amy making sure the tree is fine!!! I'm sure Mom was laughing at us. Her and Dad never had problems getting the tree home!!

Maraya helping Anthony and Jason with the lights. I think she was making sure they worked!!

A tradition we have is hanging up our Name Ornaments on Mom and Dad's tree. Here's Dad hanging up Mom's name.

Dad hanging up his name next to Mom's ornament.

Miss Maraya hanging up her name!

Breckin hanging up his name!

Amy making sure her name is in the right spot and Dad helping Breckin with his ornament.

The tree all decorated! Mom would have loved this tree!!!

Breckin & Breylee